We have been looping for an eternity now - and every time it is just Teal'c and me remembering. It's driving me crazy!
And don't get me started on the damn Froot Loops! It's as if their very name is a deliberate insult from the Universe against me! Loops! If we get out of this... when we get out of this, I am NEVER going to eat them again. EVER!
I am so tired of this! I think I've done everything possible on this base, well, everything legal and mostly legal, and still there are more loops.
There is something I have been thinking about... how would Carter, I mean Sam react to me if we had a chance of a relationship? I mean, I know she'll never retire, and I wouldn't want her to, so if we are to be together, it would have to be me doing it.
I've done it before, so what? Of course, I love what I am doing right now, so I can't say I want to do it. Anyway, after watching how she reacted to Marty's death, I'm not even sure I would have been her first choice for a husband. What about now, I wonder? I mean, I know she has... some sort of feelings for me, but how much of it is just a crush?
For that matter, what about myself? I think I like her a lot, but is it enough to risk my career and hers? I wish it was possible for us to date without repercussions, so we could see if we would work together, but it's not. As it is, I'm not really even allowed to kiss her.
Of course, that is one thing I can do now, with any repercussions for her or me. And I can get her reaction to my resignation.
And next loop all will be undone. If that's not a get out of jail free, I don't know what is!
So, I am going to do it!
So, resignation written. Uniform ditched for civvies. Now where was it I decided would be a good spot? Ah, over there.
The time is right. Not too long to the next loop. Yeah, I'm a coward, but I don't want to react to the fall out for too long, if Hammond or Carter reacts badly.
I give Hammond the paper.
"Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?"
I check my watch again, as Carter walks up to us.
"Handing you my resignation." I say.
Hammond looks at me, shocked.
"Resigning, what for?" Carter asks, also surprised.
"So I can do…" I check my watch again. "...this."
I grab her and give her a big kiss in front of a shocked Hammond. At first she doesn't react, she sort of freezes in my arms, then she embrace me. Sort of.
The next loop takes us before I really know how Carter felt about it all. Maybe I better make another try...
She might have been too surprised to react properly. Or maybe it's because she doesn't like showing her emotions in public, which I know she doesn't. She never does.
Except when she cried over Martouf.
I shake that thought and begins to plan how to do this. Not in public. Maybe in her quarters. Yeah, that's the way. Tell her I've resigned. Kiss her. See how she reacts.
"All right, what did you want?" Carter asks, when I've convinced her I need to talk to her in private.
Not the best opening, but I guess I'll take what I can get. "Tell you that I'm resigning."
"You're what?" She stares at me in shock. "Why? Just out of the blue? While we're fighting a war?"
"Why? Because of this!" I tell her, and pull her to me, and kiss her.
Like last time, she freezes at first, then slowly react. Then she pushes me away.
"No. No, don't do that." She shakes her head. "Don't resign for me." She looks at me, suddenly angry. "How can you do that, and without asking me? I don't want you to give up your career and your spot on SG-1 for me!"
"I thought you'd be happy! Don't you have feelings for me?"
"I, I don't know! Yes. No. Maybe. Okay, I do have, have some feelings for you, but now is not the time. If ever. Don't you understand? We're fighting for our lives here! The Goa'uld are able to reach into our very midst, and snatch away our friends and loved ones, and you're just thinking of yourself?"
"I was thinking of us!" I tell her, angrily.
"Well I don't want your sacrifice!" She takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, sir. If things we're different, then maybe, maybe I would want that, but not as it is. I don't even know if I have that kind of feelings for you, I mean, I like you, but... I, I..." She looks helplessly at me, unable to communicate what she means.
"No, I understand." I sigh. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I shouldn't have assumed. You don't love me. You love him." I turn around and walks towards the door.
"Him?" She asks.
"Martouf." I tell her.
She doesn't answer. Doesn't deny. To me, that speaks volumes. She loves him.
I leave the room.
It was a relief when the next loop came around. Knowing that she doesn't know anything about our little talk means it's not awkward. Well, not as awkward. She has given me at least one weird look, so I must be behaving a little strange.
I don't know how I feel about her rejection. First I was angry, then sad... but now I think I am relieved. It's better to know than to assume. Especially since this gave me the clearness to think, and this damn looping has certainly given me the time. I know now that I am not in love with her.
She is a friend, one whom I have a bit of a crush on, but that is all.
The question now is, how do I make my friend happy? Because I know who she does love. Martouf and Lantash. Who are dead.
I think I'll worry about that later. Later when we hopefully get this damn looping to STOP!
Next chapter --->