hathor_girl | Fic, Choices, Sam/Martouf/Lantash, PG-13, 3/37

3. Jolinar

I am again in the healers rooms. The base is almost a copy of the other one, at least I can't see any differences. I guess that makes for some feel of home, even when you have to evacuate often.

Martouf/Lantash has left to allow me to think things over on my own. I think he said something about being sent on a mission also. My dad is resting after the blending and healing. I am quite alone in this room.

The more time I spend with Martouf and Lantash, the more I am convinced I cannot cause them the pain I would by having Jolinar removed. More than that, I think I don't want her gone. Mostly because I think I am falling in love with Martouf/Lantash. Whether that comes from Jolinar or not, I don't know. I also don't know if I really want to stay with the Tok'ra, if a relationship with an...alien, can work out. But I would be an alien too, wouldn't I?

I push all of this aside. It is for later. All I know is that I can't cause Martouf and Lantash the grief I would if Jolinar died, and I could have prevented it. All else is for later. Maybe, the healers are able to heal us so that Jolinar can leave, as soon as she is well enough?

One of the healers - Pilka, I think is his name - comes into the room. "Samantha Carter, have you made your decision?" He looks as if he is certain I have - and that I will not be a host.

"I... yes. Yes, I have. I'm going to let you treat Jolinar, and then we'll see how it goes."

Pilka looks surprised, but quickly recovers and smiles. He is obviously happy with my decision. "You understand that there is a fairly high probability that it will mean you will be a permanent host?"

I nod. "Yes." I close my eyes for a moment. "It's the only right choice."

He looks relieved. "We are all thankful to you for making this decision. Please, come with me, and I will help you get ready for the first treatment."

"Err, yes. I just need to go talk to Martouf and Lantash before they leave on a mission. Okay?"

"Of course." Pilka furrows his brow. "It may be a good idea. I was under the misunderstanding that you had decided not to be a host, and I told him that when I met him earlier."

I hurry to their room, and find that there is no one there, but signs of someone having packed a bag recently. I run to the ring transporters, and spot Martouf/Lantash with two other Tok'ra.

"Martouf! Wait!" I yell.

He turns to see me, a sad expression on his face. "Samantha." He stops. "I apologize, but I am needed on this mission. We will have to leave quickly, as it is a matter of life or death. It should only be a few days before I am back." He bows his head and his eyes flash when he looks up.

"Pilka informed us of your decision. We...accept it, but you cannot expect us to be unaffected. If you are still here when we return, we can...talk." Lantash turns and hits the button to activate the ring transporter before I can say anything more. His eyes are suspiciously shiny, as if he is trying to suppress tears.

"No! Lantash!" I stare at them as they are transported away by the ring transporter. Why did I not get back a little quicker? Why did Pilka tell them I didn't want to be a host? Dammit! How could they think I would just let Jolinar die?

Feeling helpless and pained that Martouf and Lantash are angry at with me and sad, I return to the healers rooms. I comfort myself with the knowledge that Martouf/Lantash will be back soon, and with any luck, Jolinar will be awake and on the way to be healthy by then.

The healers are working on me several hours a day. I have been given drugs that strengthens the symbiote, and the healers use healing devices on Jolinar for periods of up to half an hour, then take breaks. They spend a lot of time scanning her and discussing how best to treat her. I know it is partially in an attempt to make it so Jolinar will not fuse to me, and will be able to leave me quickly, should I wish it. I am grateful.

Apparently Jolinar needs to recover some on her own in between healing bouts, which is also why they only work on her for a total of maybe four hours a day, including the scans.

By the third day, I sense something. Jolinar is not quite conscious, but it is clear that she is getting much better, and that it won't be long before she awakens.

I feel somewhat...no, a lot worried. Nervous. I mean, I know she is Tok'ra and all, and I do...trust her. But how will she react? How will I react, to suddenly having her back in my head?

It's also strange to be here with the Tok'ra. Part of me feels it is alien, but a very large part of me feel...home, when I look at everything. I recognize a lot of people, even if I can't always remember their names. People are nice enough to me, but I still feel outside. The others are unsure around me - thankful I agreed to do what could be done to save Jolinar, but not quite understanding why I won't remain her host. I am realizing it will be dangerous for Jolinar to leave me. Even if she is strong and healthy, and it's doubtful she will wait until she is completely strong enough. She is rash and self assured and will not stay in an unwilling host longer than necessary.

It's also difficult to find new hosts. The Tok'ra often fail in their attempts to find one, even though they look for hosts most of the time, to have some in reserve should someone be wounded and need a host. Very few people want to be hosts.

I can understand. I certainly don't want to be a host, and wouldn't have chosen this...though is that still the case? Could I accept being host?

I really wish Martouf and Lantash were here. Why are they not back? Shouldn't they be back? What did they say, a few days? I really really hope they are safe. I worry for them.

My dad isn't here either. He had to go on a short mission too, though he spent some time talking to me first. He is still getting used to things, but having a symbiote - a conscious one - apparently does wonders to help you feel at home here. He's doing much much better than me. Understandably, he's a bit freaked over my experiences with Jolinar - and Selmak is angry with her - and over my perhaps relationship with Martouf and Lantash. I think he's going to have a stern talk with them, poor guys, when he returns from his mission.

It's obvious to me that the Tok'ra are short on people, and have to send out operatives that it would be better to wait and not send out yet. Or at all. Martouf and Lantash rarely go on missions, though this is a short and fairly harmless one. Selmak hasn't been going on missions for years, so she is happy to get back to doing so. I hope she and dad will be safe. They seems to get along well, though, and that is good. I am happy about that.

I miss Earth, my friends - particularly my team...and Janet.

It's afternoon the next day. I have finished the treatments for today, and have just eaten an early dinner. I have decided to take a quick bath in the pools. It's relaxing and I hope to get some sleep afterwards. The treatments and healing take some out of me too, and I am tired. I am considering going to borrow Martouf/Lantash's private pool, which they shared with Rosha/Jolinar. It's Jolinar's too, so in a way it would be okay. And it would be nice to be alone for a little while. However, it feels very wrong to go to Martouf/Lantash's quarters...and a bit like I am presuming they will accept me as their mate. If I remain host to Jolinar I will be, almost certainly. They said they would not mind. Would I mind?

Difficult to answer. I like them...a lot. More than I had imagined after knowing them for so short a time. I am falling in love with them, but I had already realized that. Is Jolinar awakening making the feelings stronger? Probably not. They said she has not been blending with me yet.

~Samantha?~

I almost jump out of the water as the voice speaks. I look around, seeing no one. In my head! The voice is in my head! ~Uh...Jolinar?~

~Yes, Samantha. I am Jolinar. We are...in the tunnels?~

She sounds a bit...confused? I suppose I can't blame her!

~We are.~ I confirm, feeling very apprehensive. I am really not sure how to react to her.

~You do not need to be afraid. As I told you earlier, I am Tok'ra.~ She hesitates. ~Of course, you know that - since we are in the tunnels. I...seem to have trouble remembering what has happened.~ She confesses. ~The last I remember, you were screaming at me...that I was an evil Goa'uld, and to get out of you as fast as possible, and now you seem calm - and we are with the Tok'ra?~

~I...suppose that pretty much sums it up, yeah. You don't remember the ashrak?~ I ask, surprised.

~Ashrak? No, I most definitely do not.~ When she says the next, she sounds apprehensive. "Samantha, I realize we are not blended...I have no idea what has happened, but...may I see your memories?~

I hesitate. ~Um...~

~Just of the time after I...after you became my host.~ She sounds ashamed. ~I remember what I did. I took you against your will. That can never be excused! I will leave you as soon as possible!~

~I...yes, you can look at those memories.~ I say, not sure how to explain it all to her. Perhaps it is easier if she just looks at all that has happened since. ~About three months has passed. You can look at that time as well.~

~Thank you.~ She sounds honestly grateful - and as if she would not have looked at my memories if I had not allowed it. I think Ican trust her...which is also the feeling I had gotten, but it is nice to have it confirmed. ~My memories seems...confused. Jumbled.~

~You were...very nearly dead. Actually, my people thought you were. We didn't know you were still alive until we found the Tok'ra...but that will all make better sense when you have seen my memories.~

~My poor beloveds! They thought I was dead! They...think I will be dead! That idiot Pilka! I will get him for this!~ She suddenly 'freezes'. ~My loved ones have not returned yet? They are a day overdue? They are not experienced in undercover work, they could be in danger! We must go find them, immediately!~

~Ah, Jolinar...you're not exactly well yet. You only just woke up after three months of being almost-dead. The healers won't let you go anywhere! I'm sure...I'm sure Martouf and Lantash will be fine.~ I say - realizing it is not just to reassure Jolinar, but myself as well.

Jolinar takes control and attempt to stand up, and in the process almost loses the control of my body. She catches herself - and me - and stands. ~So...I am weak - for now. You are not. I will help you and you will be in control. We will save them. The healers can help me heal more later.~

~Jolinar! Even I know that's dangerous! You could...I don't know, overexert yourself and become unconscious again. Or die. And what would happen to me then? Not to mention that if you - and I - are incapacitated we can't exactly save Martouf and Lantash!~

She is quiet for a few moment, then relents. ~You are correct. We shall go to the healers and insist they heal me up further. There are drugs that will help me heal faster as well. On my own, it will be, perhaps, another weak before I am strong enough. I cannot wait that long!~

~All right, go talk to them then!~ I say, just as much because I know she is not the type to easily get convinced to change her mind when she has set her mind on something. I am certain the healers will tell her she has to heal in slow bouts. She will listen to them, I am sure.

Fairly sure.

To my surprise, Jolinar manages to convince the healers to give her two treatments per day, of the same type they have given her one of before.

I get the feeling they do not find it completely safe, and that it increases the probability she will temporarily fuse to me, but they seems impressed with the fact she can keep control of my body enough to talk to them, as long as I do not try to take control from her.

Which I can currently, and that helps me some. It is making it easier for me to handle being a host. I know it is only a matter of time before Jolinar is strong again, and can take and keep control - and generally do what all symbiotes can; even Tok'ra are biologically Goa'uld, and could do what they do - it is just that they choose not to suppress their hosts and such.

After the treatment, both Jolinar and I are exhausted. The drug is not making it better. It is making us sleepy and somewhat nauseous. Jolinar does not even protest when I insist on going to bed, and soon we are both asleep.