Other Possibilities, PG-13, 3/?

[hathor_girl]

Easter vacation is over *sigh* so I will probably not get chapters out as often during the next weeks. Though I got a fair amount written that just needs reformatting (where did the linebreaks go!!!!)


"We'll take a break." Martouf says, turning off the device.

I nod, exhausted. We have been at it for maybe two hours, but it feels much longer. Most of the time, I have managed to stay on Jolinar's memories, and rarely have any of my own interfered. It is strange - and exhausting. Whenever I experience a memory, it is not just like a memory - with the device on, I am reliving it. As if I am there, right now. I can see things, hear people, smell flowers, people, food...whatever. Feel it, physically - which isn't pleasant when it's a torture situation. Martouf is good a getting me out of these quickly, though, or turning down the effect on the device for a little while, until the moment passes.

The cynical part tells me it's because he can't stand seeing the torture his beloved experienced. Part of me hopes it is (also) because he feels sorry for me. Because he wants to protect me. He does not seem to be angry at me any more. He has been quietly supportive during most of this, saying little, and only when it is needed to gently lead me back on track.

He looks at me, a concerned expression. He looks cute - and very sad. This must be very hard on him too. Some of the memories have been..um...very personal. I am glad no one else is seeing them. I feel a bit embarrassed, but the rational part of me tells me that if anyone should be embarrassed, it should be him. I am the outsider in this - he was there during those love scenes. Those passionate love scenes.

Yes, I am envious of a dead symbiote. Martouf - and Lantash - are great lovers. I wonder how he feels about me knowing these intimate details about him. Knowing precisely how it likes to be touched. The sounds he make when...with a great amount of will power I pull my thoughts away from the direction they are heading, grateful the device is turned off, as it would otherwise have shown him my forbidden thoughts about him. I don't want him to know. I don't want him to be angry again. I am so very happy that he no longer is angry with me. That he is at least showing compassion for me again. That he is the sweet, shy, kind man again, the one who held my hand in the desert. The sweet, handsome man...my heart beats faster as I steal a glance at him.

Suddenly, I realise I am falling for him! I close my eyes. This is not happening! I am so not falling in love with a man who is host to a Tok'ra - a being who is the same as the Goa'uld, just with different philosophies! I shake my head.

"Captain Carter? Samantha?" He asks, concerned.

It is the first time he used my first name, and I love how it sounds when he says it. Strange. I never like being called Samantha, but I love hearing him say it.

"I'm OK. Just a little tired."

"Would you like something to eat?"

"Yes..." I realise I am starving. "I'm actually very hungry."

He smiles. "Then let us go to the mess hall and eat. It is almost time for noon meal."

We go to grab some food, then sit together, talking. It is nice to just talk with him. He asks about my home planet, and I tell him. So many things are different, and he laughs at some of my stories about funny things that has happened. It lightens the mood between us. I love the sound of his laughter. It is wonderful. Contagious, like his smile. The other Tok'ra give us strange glances, but I don't care. I guess I'm not popular around here right now, and I guess I can understand. After all, my team mates abducted one of their most important leaders - while she was dying. I can't blame them for holding that against me - especially since I obviously assisted them.

​

---

"What will you tell the Council? I mean, about me? Do you think I am a danger to the Tok'ra?" I ask. We have spent another two hours with the recall device, and Martouf has thankfully decided it is enough for today.

He doesn't answer at first. "Samantha...I'm not sure if you have all of Jolinar's memories, but you do have a great many of them. We have looked at glimpses of many different missions - and...ah...other situations..." He blushes briefly, and he looks adorably shy. "And to be honest, I think Jolinar somehow deposited all or most of her memories in your mind. Thankfully, you cannot access them easily, or you would no longer be you."

"What do you mean?"

"Jolinar is...was so much older than you. More than 2000 years old. The amount of memories would completely swamp you if you could access them. Your own memories would be inconsequensial compared to that."

I understand what he is saying. If the memories were not - for some reason, perhaps due to how they were put in - hard to access, then I would be mostly her. "I understand."

"What I do not believe you understand, is that going through the memories like this - it is moving the memories to the actively accessible ones. If we continue too long, you will...change."

"I think I already have - I mean, before I came here. I've noticed things...likes and dislikes that've changed, and such. Other things too. My personality has changed, at least in some things."

He nods. "It only confirms my suspicion. I will tell the Council that it would be wrong exposing you to more of this. I have already seen enough to know that you would be a threat to the Tok'ra - and a threat for yourself - if you were to be allowed to go."

"What!" I stare at him. "I have to stay here? You don't trust me?"

He hesitates for a moment. "Actually, I do. I realise you did what you had to do, when you helped your team-mates. You wanted to get home to see your father before he died. I can understand that. Samantha, I have come to respect you. You are a very special person. You have great strength."

I feel embarrassed, and blushes a little. "Thanks...but why won't you let me go then?"

"It has nothing to do with trust. You carry memories from Jolinar, which could be very dangerous for the Tok'ra, if the Goa'uld got to them."

"I would never betray you!"

"Not willingly." Martouf bows his head, and Lantash looks up shortly after.

"You do not understand what the Goa'uld can do. They have ways to make anyone talk. A Tok'ra can protect its host - or kill itself and its host, if it should be necessary. An unblended human does not have that. More than that - the Goa'uld can make you a host, and the symbiote can just take what it wants from your brain. And it will be able to access what you cannot."

I feel a cold fear down my spine at the thought of that. Lantash is correct. The Goa'uld very well might do that, if they realise I carry these memories. So, I would be a threat to the Tok'ra - and to myself, in the sense that I might be caught because of the memories and made a host. Damn. "Can't I...uh...hide the memories from the symbiote? Block them somehow, with training? I've seen hosts fight with symbiotes - and win, if only for a little while." I say, desperate.

Lantash shakes his head. "No. A human cannot stop a symbiote from seeing and taking all the knowledge it wants. I assure you, it is biologically impossible for a human to fight or stop a fully mature symbiote - either from taking control or from going through their mind. What you saw must have been a symbiote that had been given a host before it was fully mature."

I nod. "I guess you'd know."

"Yes. Unfortunately, I am biologically the same as a Goa'uld, though I would never do the things they do, even if I can."

"So, I stay."

"Yes. At least for now."

Lantash gives control back to Martouf. We go to the mess hall to pick up a mug of a kind of sweet tea they have. On the way back, we pass Cordesh in the tunnels. I suddenly have a flash of memories again.

 Chapter 4