hathor_girl

Title: Sam's Diary
Rating: R
Category: Romance, Humour, Drama
Summary: Sam is writing a diary, mostly about the Tok'ra, Jolinar, and Martouf/Lantash.
Notes: Warning for discussion of past rape (Bynarr -> Jolinar) in chapter 8.

Answer to this challenge from the Tok'ra Resistance board:

Sam, Martouf/Lantash

challenge:
Sam is writing a diary, in which she discribes her feelings for Martouf and what she likes at him and what she likes at Martouf!
perhaps she could tell some funny or romantic stories about Jolinars relationsship to martouf/Lantesh in this story?
maybe Martouf and Lantash find the diary?

Sam POV

I tiredly sit down and grab my diary, intending to write down a little about how I feel, and what happened. I really don't know what to say or feel. We met the Tok'ra, and my dad became a host. So much happened!

I open the diary and look at the few entries there. It's more than a year ago that I decided to keep a diary, but I am failing at it - just like last time I tried, when I was in high school.

I read the four entries. The first one I made when we had just returned from the planet inhabited by the Shavadai. It's mostly a rant about male chauvinism.

I look at the next entry, and that was made only about a week later, when we were recovering from that damn plague that made us devolve into savages. I remember with a flush of shame that I came onto the Colonel. I would never have done that if my mind was clear. He's attractive, yes, but I don't feel for him like that, and even if I did, it wouldn't be worth my career. The entry confirms that my feelings were the same then.

Then some time passes before the next entry, which is very short. It was made just after we met an alien called Nem, from a species called the Oannes. We thought Daniel was dead, and I was clearly distressed, already feeling Daniel was a friend back then. Now he is more than that, almost a brother to me.

My next - and last - entry is after that whole mess with Hathor. It is short, and I notice one of the few lines is about my relief General Hammond did not have me court martialled for hitting him. For knocking him unconscious.

Sighing deeply, I turn the diary to a fresh page and grab my pen. I want to write down my thoughts and feelings while they are still fresh.

October 9 1998

We just returned from meeting the Tok'ra. I have been having strange dreams caused by memories from Jolinar... for weeks, actually. I have also had memory flashes, but I haven't told my team mates or anyone else, really, about those. They know I had one on that planet where Daniel became dependent on the sarcophagus, of course, but I think I convinced them it was due to the circumstances.

At least I hope I convinced them.

I know they have discovered changes in me. I think I have so myself too, but it is hard to tell if it always was so, or if I just think it always was so. Janet and Daniel - and even Teal'c and the Colonel - have commented on changes in my behaviour. I am more... willing to do what needs to be done, now. Maybe a better soldier, because one thing I have always worried about it that I don't think I could shoot a friend - or even a former friend - if it was necessary. That brought about the whole problem with Jonas - I couldn't shoot him when he had me captured, and it almost cost the lives of all of us. I think I could shoot him now. I know I could. I know I could even do that with Daniel, Teal'c, or the Colonel, if it was necessary - if one of them had been taken by a Goa'uld, for instance.

That is a change due to Jolinar. I can do what needs to be done, even if it hurts. I have noticed some smaller things too - or Daniel have. I like some foods I didn't before - and hate some I liked. Actually, there is a lot of smaller things which have changed, but that is just me, now, so why spend time thinking about it? If the memories make you - to a large degree - then it is hardly strange I have changed. Jolinar had lived for so much longer, and even if I cannot recall most of her memories, they still affect me.

Which brings me to the recent events.

I had known for a while that we needed to find the Tok'ra, needed to meet them and ally with them. When I finally managed to see the entire address of that base world of theirs in my dreams, I felt a strange sense of...peace. Even though it was mingled with anxiety. It was as if that place was calling to me - and I thought it was perhaps because the part of me that was Jolinar wanted to go home...

We went to the planet, and met the Tok'ra. It was all strangely familiar, but most of the memories from Jolinar were still out of reach...in the way were you can almost remember something.

When I saw Martouf, I knew he was someone special. I had no idea how correct this was. His name came to me, and that slowly started my recall of things regarding the Tok'ra. I recognized other people too, but none I could put names to.

The one called Cordesh gave me the heebie-jeebeis. There was something to him that screamed danger, that he couldn't be trusted.

Of course, that soon turned out to be true. He was a traitor, and had told the Goa'uld System Lords the planet the Tok'ra were on. I know feel certain Jolinar knew he was a traitor, and that it was part of the reason she wanted to return to the Tok'ra so badly. She needed to warn them of the traitor.

The other reason was Martouf - and Lantash. Her beloved mates.

I walked alone with Martouf and Lantash in the desert, and it was so strange. The longer we spent together, the more I felt a bond to him/them. It all fell in place when Lantash told me Jolinar had been his mate for a hundred years.

I was completely confused. Part of me wanted to throw my arms around them and hug them to me and cry for... Rosha? And for Jolinar. Part of me just wanted to run away from the strangeness of it all. Martouf and Lantash were so understanding. I cannot understand how anyone could be so kind. They were grieving, and they must have blamed me for Jolinar's death.

Still, they thought only of helping me understand. When I held Martouf's hand, I did not want us to ever stop. I just wanted to sit there, with him. It all felt so right.

He held my hand again while we waited for dad to wake up, after he had become host to Selmak. To think that Martouf and Lantash would remain there with me, endangering themselves. For someone they barely knew. Their presence was far more comforting than I wanted to admit to them.

When they left, together with dad and Garshaw, I felt like crying. I already missed them badly. I was sad to see dad go as well. It was all so emotional, and confusing.

Now I sit her afterwards, and try to make sense of it all. I know some of it is because I am emotionally vulnerable, because my dad's near brush with death. However, I know that is not all. What I feel for Martouf...and Lantash too...it transcends anything I have ever felt for anyone else.

Yes, I know it is due to Jolinar's memories. Her emotions, her love for her mates. Still, part of me wonders if I would not have fell for Martouf regardless. He is sweet, kind, and wise...and so very attractive.

My heart beats faster just thinking of him. Is it due to Jolinar? Probably, but I think part of it is me, falling for Martouf.

I really need to figure all of this out. I mean, I don't think he is interested in me - aside from me being what is left over from Jolinar...but I don't know. I...kind of wish him to like me. At least as a friend.

We shall see. For now, I dearly hope we meet them again soon!

I sit down again, to write in my diary.

November 15 1998

We have just returned from a short mission with the Tok'ra. With Martouf. We met a few of them by coincidence, and went back with them to their base - they took care not to show us the coordinates, but I guess I can understand.

I talked to my dad, and he is doing well. That is a relief. He is becoming very good friends with Selmak, his symbiote.

We mentioned we were soon going to a planet which seemed to have been abandoned by the Goa'uld recently, and we asked the Tok'ra what they knew about it. They offered to send someone with us, and we agreed. Martouf was the one to volunteer.

I remember my heart beating faster the moment I laid eyes on him again, and he smiled at me, so sweetly. There was still sadness there, but less than when last we met.

We had little time to talk, but it was strangely comforting just to have him nearby. I suggested he call me Samantha instead of Captain Carter, because it seemed wrong that he used my title and last name. As if he was too familiar to me for that. He smiled and thanked me, and said my name was beautiful.

I have never really liked being called Samantha, and never really allowed anyone to use it. Narim, and a few family members... and now Martouf.

How I love hearing him say my name!