hathor_girl

Sam POV

February 26 1999

When we got a visitor and a warning from the Re'tou, we contacted the Tok'ra for help in detecting the aliens who were out of phase with us. When my dad and another Tok'ra arrived, I was happy to see my dad - and disappointed Martouf was not with him.

I find myself worrying for both my dad and for Martouf - it is a dangerous life they live. But so is my life.

March 18 1999

Martouf was one of three Tok'ra who visited us for a short time today, bringing information about the Goa'uld Heru'ur.

Again there was little time for private conversation, something I find myself wanting. If nothing else, then because I have so many things I want to ask Martouf about. So many things about Jolinar, and about the Tok'ra.

Martouf repeated his promise to look after my father, 'as if he was his own'. What does that mean? Just that he is an honourable, kind man - or that he would like Jacob was his... father in law?

Sometimes when he looks at me, I suspect he has feelings for me... but maybe that is just wishful thinking. He did say, that time in the desert, that he wanted Jolinar back in his life, even if it was only in a small way. Is that how he looks at me? As the last remaining part of Jolinar? The one carrying Jolinar's love for him? I can understand if it is nice to know that survives, and to want me close, because of that.

I want more, though, but I cannot tell him how I feel. Particularly not since I don't know if it is I who feels.

March 25 1999

As I have noticed before, meeting Martouf leads to a lot of dreams in the days after. Dreams about him and Lantash - and sometimes other dreams about the Tok'ra, and Jolinar. I have those kinds of dreams regularly, but when Martouf/Lantash has visited, they are a constant.

It is both pleasant and a source of embarrassment for me. I feel like I am spying on something that should be private, something that I should not know about. When I meet Martouf, I feel almost as if he can see on me that I have this knowledge, and these dreams. Maybe he knows? I wonder how he feels about it? Is it as embarrassing for him as it is for me?

I am sure he pretends not to know. That he doesn't think about it. It's good he doesn't know I have these guilty fantasies about him too. The illicit pleasure they bring me...

No, I must not think about this!

April 15 1999

We were prisoners of Hathor, for weeks. We thought we had been in stasis for many years, and that everyone we knew were dead.

Though Martouf would not have been dead, even in that distant future. Had it been true, and we had been in the future, I could have gone to see him, and I would not even have been able to see a difference in him. He would look as young as he does today.

Of course, he could have been killed.

Or found another mate.

I am ashamed that both bothers me, though only the thought of him dead, brings a heart-wrenching agony.

As it was, it was all a trick, and we were still in the present. We were saved due to help from the Tok'ra.

I wonder if she survived? Part of me feels guilty. Should I have offered to be her host?

How would that have changed things? Would I know be with the Tok'ra? Would it increase or diminish my chances of having a relationship with Martouf/Lantash.

Because this has made me think of something else. If I did become their...mate, then I would die many centuries before Martouf. Can I do that to them?

Of course, they may not even be interested.

Why is it that all the entries I make are about Martouf and Lantash? Or about the Tok'ra, at least?