hathor_girl | Fanfic, Sam's Diary, Sam/Martouf/Lantash, R, 4/13

Sam POV

May 20 1999

Today we were on a short mission to a planet in the Goa'uld Bastet's domain. It was a fairly uneventful mission, and we met neither Jaffa, nor Goa'uld. What we did meet was Martouf and another Tok'ra, on a trading mission.

They were waiting for the trader to gather the food they had bought, and we were just learning about the culture and the people, so we went together to an inn and had some surprisingly delicious food - and wine - to drink.

It felt nice and comfortable to sit there and talk with Martouf, even if it was mostly un-important things we talked about, and things relating to the planet. The other Tok'ra, and Daniel, Teal'c, and the Colonel were present too, so I could not talk to Martouf about the things I really wanted to.

Still, the fact that he sat next to me, and that I could feel his body heat was wonderful. He sat so close beside me on the bench that we often happened to touch. It was heavenly.

I can always sense the naquadah in Tok'ra, Goa'uld, and Jaffa, and outright touching Martouf gave a nice tingling sensation from that as well. All I wanted was to lean my head against his shoulder and ask him to hold me, but I couldn't do that in public. I was also afraid of scaring him away.

I am doing my best to hide what I feel, but part of me can't believe I am doing a good job. I have never felt such a strong love before, but I am still as confused as ever. Because of the whole situation with Jolinar, and because we live on different worlds - and have different cultures - I don't know how to proceed, or if I even should.

I have never been one to approach anyone about my feelings. I would never have gotten into a relationship with Jonas, if we hadn't had shared friends, and even then it was only because he was quite persistent, that we ended up together. I have this unfortunate attraction to 'the lunatic fringe', though I wouldn't say Martouf qualifies. Narim might, but it is hard to judge someone from another culture entirely.

Anyway, I got engaged to Jonas, but the relationship was always distant. We were never close, and never even intimate...in that way. Or any other way. I think he just thought of me as someone that could admire him. He was always only really in love with himself.

Why do I even think of Jonas? I saw sense and told him to leave, before he went completely wacko - and set himself up as a god and worked some poor people to death, building a temple to him.

I think my 'relationship' with Jonas scared me off that part of life - or maybe I am just too inept. I know Daniel told me I never knew what love was, and I suspect he was right - but now I do.

Which only reinforces my fear that my love comes from Jolinar, because I'm not sure I can love.

But it feels wonderful, even if it is also hard. Hard to not be able to tell Martouf of my feelings.

I take a look at what I have written, and consider tearing the page out. This is almost too much to admit, even to myself. But maybe it will help me, and I can read it again in some time, and see if I have evolved.

I allow the text to stand, but hide the diary better than usual - inside a binder marked 'Survey of tension strength in carbon-hardened steel, exposed to temperatures below -30 Celsius.' I am sure no one will ever open that!

June 10 1999

Tonight I had a dream about Martouf/Lantash, and Jolinar. For once it was not an erotic dream, at least not to begin with, but it was a very loving, romantic one.

They were celebrating their anniversary, and Martouf/Lantash had bought a beautiful necklace for Jolinar and Rosha. They had wrapped it in a blue silk scarf, and before giving it to her they told her of their feelings, and how they always wanted to be with her.

The love from Jolinar, and their love for her, it was so powerful! I get tears in my eyes just thinking of it!

I am also so jealous! But how can I ever have something like that? I really want it, but I can't think Martouf would love me like that. I don't think I would deserve it either, and I feel certain I will never experience such love from anyone. I despair thinking about it.

Jolinar had a wonderful shirt for Martouf and Lantash, and afterwards they went to 'their' place on another planet, and had a picnic, swam naked, and made love.

I want such a love! Such a relationship!

And I think I want it with Martouf.