hathor_girl

Sam POV

We returned from an exhausting mission a short time ago, and after the usual checkup and a shower I feel a need to write about what happened.

I just grab a sandwich and some coffee, and shake my head when the others ask if I want to sit and eat with them. I need some time alone - I often find I do whenever we have encountered a Tok'ra or something else that reminds me of something from Jolinar's life.

Which are actually many thing, I guess.

Tired, I sit down at my desk and take out my diary. I open it to a clean page and start writing.

August 6 1999

We had been surveying the planet, but our UAV had disappeared, and we shipped out to check it out. Turns out it had been shot down. By a bounty hunter no less!

The bounty hunter's name is Aris Boch, and he is hunting a Goa'uld - or so he claimed. He employed our help to catch the 'Goa'uld' in return for letting us go. However, after some scuffles where we tried to flee, he didn't trust us, I got tied up. The Goa'uld claimed to be a Tok'ra and my team mates suspected it was right and that I would recognize him, but Aris Boch did not believe in Tok'ra, or at least not that they are different from Goa'uld.

I was freed, and I met the so-called Goa'uld. He was a Tok'ra - named Korra, and badly injured. He was on the run from the Goa'uld Sokar, having pretended to be his underling, Keltar.

We tried to convince Aris Boch that he is Tok'ra, and that they are very much not as the Goa'uld, but he did not listen. Then Korra tried to commit suicide, not wanting to risk giving up the Tok'ra during torture.

It was a bad scare for me, both because Korra was a good friend of Jolinar's - and I feel as if he is my good friend - but also because it reminded me of other incidents where Tok'ra were captured and tortured. Where Jolinar was tortured.

So badly. I try to force the images out of my mind. It has happened to her many times, but one was especially bad. I'm not sure where it was, but there is a disgusting man torturing her, the place is hot and filthy - and it feels like I am there.

I feel dirty, just thinking of it.

I take a deep breath and force those thoughts aside.

It shocked Aris Boch, though. Badly. I know that. He did not think Tok'ra would try to commit suicide to save their friends and companions, but now he got proof they are not like the Goa'uld.

We wanted to save Korra, and Teal'c offered to go with Aris Boch instead, since he was valuable too. We agreed to that, and Aris Boch did too.

Then, of course, it turns out Aris Boch had truly been moved and now believed in the Tok'ra and in someone willing and able to fight the Goa'uld. He tricked the Goa'uld and let us all go.

Korra stayed only briefly here, then returned to the Tok'ra. His symbiote can heal him, so no worries there.

I talked to him for a little while, and we agreed to talk more next time I am in the tunnels. Talk about old times, even if it was Jolinar who knew him. It is weird, but he accepted it way easier than me. Maybe it is the Tok'ra way.

I pull out my diary, feeling a need to write about my dream before doing much of anything else.

September 8 1999

It was a strange dream.

I was walking around on the base, and after a little while it was not me! I looked in the mirror, and it was me - but I looked wrong? Even if I still see the image - it was Samantha Carter. However, I was too tall, my hair was too short, but almost the right colour, even if the slight redness was missing. My eyes were the right colour, at least.

I felt a powerful sense of loss, and just wants to cry and throw myself in the arms of ... my lover? My mates. I see them for my inner eye.

It is Martouf and Lantash. They are so handsome! My heart beats faster as I look into their pale blue-grey eyes, and our lips slowly comes closer, and we kiss...

In my dream all this makes sense.

Again in my dream, I feel alone, so terribly alone. I want companionship, and I consider reaching out for the other. I remember the hurtful words she threw at me. The obscenities she yelled at me. My heart hurts just thinking of it, but I also feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I have done something unforgivable. How could anyone ever forgive it? It is against all my kind believe in! What I have done...makes me no better than a Goa'uld!

Someone is approaching me, and I pull myself together.

It is...Daniel, is his name. I am disgusted by myself, taking memories from my host, without permission. He greets me and asks if I want to go have a cup of coffee.

Coffee...I have no idea what it is, and I do not want to commit more crimes against my poor host just for information about some sort of beverage. In any case, I suspect my host would say yes, so much against my will, I do the same.

My alarm clock rang at that point, and I woke up. I felt really depressed, but I knew it was really Jolinar who had felt depressed.

It was so weird! In the dream I was her, and I felt and reacted and thought as her.

This makes me wonder, not for the first time, how much of Jolinar is in me. How many of her memories I have.