hathor_girl

The last few days have been horrible. Maybe if I try to write a bit in my diary, it will help my mind to settle. Exhausted, I sit down and pull out my dairy. I look at the blank page for a few moments, then begin to write.

October 8 1999

We have just returned from burying Sha're. These few days, since she was shot...I thought Daniel was going crazy. It must be horrible for him! To have his wife taken over by a Goa'uld, have her be missing for so long - only to see her killed before his eyes, by someone he considers his friend.

Daniel has told me he kept hallucinating about Sha're, and that he did not know what was real or what was not. Apparently, Sha're tried to send him information, thoughts, through the ribbon device, while Amaunet was using it on Daniel. I guess it is possible. There is so little we know about that device - or any Goa'uld technology, really. I have only vague memories of it from Jolinar, and then my one experience in using it, to kill Seth.

I ought to ask the Tok'ra to teach me about it. Both how it works, technically, and to teach me how to use it. It could be...useful, I guess, though part of me feels revulsion at using it. Crazy, I know, as it is just technology. A weapon - no worse than a rifle, really. Though how Daniel would react if I used one again, I do not know. He was horrified last time. Now, after what happened with Sha're? I don't know how he would react.

I wish we could have saved her. Part of me wish the Tok'ra really had a sarcophagus, as Daniel thought during one of his hallucinations. Then we could have healed Sha're - and Amaunet, I know that, but the Tok'ra could remove her.

But I know and understand why the Tok'ra do not use the sarcophagus. Daniel does too, after his brief addiction. Its side effects are terrible.

It's just... if we could just keep a sarcophagus somewhere, somewhere where no one could misuse it, and then only use it when someone is badly injured. It could save people's life, and there are no side effects if it is only used when truly needed - and rarely.

But it is impossible for anyone to control their desire to use it constantly. Its addictive effect is strong, and it warps your mind. I know, not only from Daniel, but also because Jolinar was briefly addicted to it. Before she became Tok'ra.

Still, maybe it would be possible to place a sarcophagus offworld somewhere, have it locked up, and with guards, and only accessible when two people at the same time said it was needed. Kind of like the device to destroy the base. I wonder if the Tok'ra would agree to that? We could share it.

I will consider talking to my dad about it. Or maybe Martouf.

At least all this made me think of something else but how much I feel as if we have failed Daniel and Sha're. It will take him a long time to get over her death. I don't know how I would react, if I loved someone like that.

Like Jolinar loved Martouf and Lantash.

I look at what I have written, and I feel my heart constrict at the thought of anything happening to Martouf and Lantash. I take a deep breath, and grab my pen again.

Like how I have come to realize that I love Martouf and Lantash. My heart hurts just thinking of something happening to them. Their life is as dangerous as mine. More so, since everyone hunts the Tok'ra, always, and they are never completely safe, even on their base.

I really need to talk to them about that sarcophagus!