hathor_girl

Warning for discussion of past rape (Bynarr -> Jolinar) in this chapter.

I sigh deeply and sit down at my desk. We have just returned from rescuing my dad on Netu, and it was exhausting, emotionally and physically.

For a moment I just stare straight out in front of me. Then I unlock my drawer and take out my diary. I look at the cover of it for a moment. So beautiful!

It's a notebook, the thickest one I could find, with some sort of faux leather binding, I think. It's unused, but vintage, I think.

It's blue or blue-grey and it has a pretty shine, almost scintillating like mother of pearl. There is a faint background pattern too. I loved it the moment I saw it, and now, with Jolinar's memories fresh in mind, I realize why... it looks almost exactly like the crystals of the Tok'ra tunnels!

I sigh deeply. Jolinar's memories! I shake my head and open the diary to a fresh page and begin to write.

October 31

We have just returned from Netu, after rescuing my dad. It was probably the hardest mission - emotionally - that I have ever participated in. It would have been Hell without the added trauma of Jolinar's memories, but with them it was horrible! We rescued my dad, and Sokar was killed. Those to important things are what I must focus on.

But the rest! Jolinar's memories have been a constant factor in my life for the last more than a year, but most of the time they are just outside the conscious reach of my mind. Doesn't mean I don't get memory flashes, and dreams... and then there are all the little things that is different, likes and dislikes that have changed, without me even realizing most of the time. Until one of my friends points it out to me.

That is something I have learned to live with. However, going to Netu, to the place where Jolinar suffered so much... and in addition having to access her memories with the memory recall device... I don't wish that on my worst enemy!

With the device on, you can get caught up in the memories. They feel exactly as if they are happening at that moment! Of course, Jolinar's memories have always felt like they were my memories, but at least they don't feel like they are happening for real, at that moment!

But with the memory recall device on, they did. I felt the time Rosha and Jolinar spent with Martouf and Lantash, the night before they left for the mission that brought them to Netu. That night was the most wonderful, passionate experience I have ever had - and it was not even me that had it!

Then came more unpleasant thing. Horrible things, as I remembered... or more correctly relived the torture Jolinar was exposed to by Sokar, by Bynar... so horribly bad. It felt like my head and neck would explode! And all I thought of was surviving and protecting my host?! Yes, that is the weird thing, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It is Jolinar's memories, after all, not Rosha's.

As excruciating as the pain was, what had happened after was worse. What happened after to Jolinar, I mean, though it feels like it happened to me. Like it was happening to me. Bynarr raped her, brutally, and afterwards she had to pretend to like him, make him fall in love with her, and fake a relationship with him. Sleep with him, again and again. It was the only way to survive that place - and to escape. Because she had a plan. Make Bynarr desire her and trust her, and then steal his key to the ring transporter, and escape.

It worked, too, but it was a horrible price she had to pay. She hid as much as she could from Rosha, and she intended to hide it all from Martouf and Lantash... and to forget it herself. Tried to forget it, at least.

I had to tell Martouf, tell him what she never wanted him to know. I don't know if I feel I betrayed him the most, or her.

It is ridiculous, but it really feels like it all happened to me. Like it was I who was trapped on Netu for months, was tortured, raped, had to pretend to love my rapist and sleep with him... I never wanted Martouf and Lantash to know. I mean, they would not be angry, not at all, but I... I mean Jolinar, didn't want to think of it ever again. Didn't want anyone's pity... and even though she knew her mates would not be angry at her, she could not risk it. I think her self-confidence had been badly damaged, but how can anyone go through what she did and escape unscathed? In any case, she didn't want them to know, and I told them.

I hate myself.

And I feel dirty. I have showered twice since returning, and that doesn't include the brief cleaning I did on the teltac.

I guess I should talk to the psychologist on the base, but he'd just think I was crazy, and probably take me off active duty. That can't happen! That is the only thing that keeps me sane right now - not to mention that it would stop me from visiting the Tok'ra, and I think I might need to do that.

If I am confined to Earth or forced to talk to some damn psychologist about this... then I will truly go crazy!

No, I can handle this myself. I must handle this myself!