hathor_girl

I sit and stare for a moment at the blank piece of paper, then begin to write. It's only been a little more than a week since we had a really bad foothold situation, and I almost didn't think we'd make it.

November 15th.

It's only been a little more than a week since we had a really bad foothold situation, and I almost didn't think we'd make it.

That's not what I'm thinking of, though. The trip to Netu is still very much on my mind, and even when that particular place is not, then my mind is full of memories from Jolinar.

I have had as many memory flashes in these three weeks since Netu, as I had in all the time before that! My dreams are almost always affected as well.

The memory recall device really stirred up something! Any time something reminds me of Jolinar, or the Tok'ra - or even the Goa'uld - I get a steady stream of memories. Mostly it is low-level, and I can ignore it, or at least hide it from others, but sometimes it gets... distracting.

Like yesterday, when we were on P3X-936. We were going through a large market, and I suddenly smelled a dish that I know Jolinar loves. It immediately threw me into a memory where Martouf and Lantash were cooking this dish for her, for her birthday. The memory was followed by a fantasy fueled by the memories of what had happened later that evening, when Martouf and Lantash made love to Jolinar. Such mind-blowing sex that I have never even imagined!

Let's just say that I was a little effected, and that everyone had apparently been staring at me, since I had started moaning - and then kissing Daniel! My teammates were weirded out at first, and quickly got me away from the place, but now they are laughing at me. They will probably tease me forever, but I know they are worried for me too.

I need to talk to the Tok'ra about it. Maybe their healers can help me, but I fear the only solution to this problem of mine is to blend. A symbiote would be able to help me sort through these memories from Jolinar.

I sit down at my desk, and unlock the drawer. Taking out my diary I think about what has happened the last couple days. I sigh and open the diary on a new page.

December 12, 1999

We have all spent several days with an artificial lifeform named 'Urgo' in our heads. It was weird, to put it mildly, and I am glad it is over with. He made us behave really strange - eating lots of delicious food.

Of course, that reminded me of when I had Jolinar in my head. It was a very different experience. Not just because Jolinar had more control of my body - well, total control - but because she behaved differently. Very differently. She was not fooling around, but she had a purpose.

She was also more understanding, even when I was yelling at her and calling her horrible names.

I know, more than any time before, realize how much I miss her. She was a living, organic being, with feelings, desires, hopes, and dreams... and she died for me. Now all that remains of her in me is her memories - and feelings - and some naquadah, some protein markers, various pieces of DNA floating around in my cells... not much more than that.

While Urgo was in my head, I did not experience many memory flashes. I think I had one dream, which was only marginally erotic, but I was still disgusted that Urgo saw that. It was not something I wanted to show with him. At all. I feel it violated not only me and Jolinar, but Martouf and Lantash as well.

It made me think... how is it to have sex when you have another lifeform in your head? Every erotic thought could be seen by a symbiote... any... kinky fantasy would no longer be secret. That is absolutely something that would worry me.

It doesn't seem to worry the Tok'ra. In a way, I want to ask, but the only one I could ask such a question would be Martouf and Lantash - and I don't really feel like asking them anything that has to do with sex! It would be awkward, and I would blush like a schoolgirl.

Because I would not be able to stop myself from thinking of having sex with them. That is hard enough as it is. Whenever I meet them, I have this urge to throw myself in their arms, and kiss them until we are out of breath... and rip off their clothes and have my way with them.

If I were a host my symbiote would know. Of course, if it were Jolinar, she would be feeling the same, but I think it would still be... embarrassing.

I do get the feeling that the Tok'ra rather enjoy sharing things like that between host and symbiote. I guess, if you truly know and trust each other, then the other would not find you 'weird'.

December 19, 1999

It is soon Christmas, and then my birthday is not far away. December 29th I will be 30.

I have never been one to celebrate much. Last year I was on base for my birthday - and for Christmas too, for that matter. I don't know if I should go and spend time with Mark and his family? Now when we are getting along - somewhat - better. I know my dad wants to go spend Christmas with Mark and his grandkids, if he can get time off, but I don't know if I want to come. Maybe, but only for a few days. I don't want to spend my birthday there, because my cousin will be there, and she would take the opportunity to talk about how it is high time I got 'settled' - which to her means marry, get kids, buy a house together... and so on.

I cannot tell her - or anyone else - that I already love someone. Two someones, Martouf and Lantash. Offworlders. Aliens - one of them not even human... members of an illegal underground resistance.

No, that is not someone cousin Tanya would like!

I know why I don't want to go celebrate with Mark and dad - I mean, I do want to go, but... I just really wish I could be with Martouf and Lantash instead. Maybe show them some of Earth, and our cultures and traditions. I wonder how they would like Christmas?

Yes, I am an idiot. I very much doubt they would want to spend time with me like that!

December 27th.

I just returned from Christmas with Mark, his wife, their kids, cousins Tanya and Dave, and their respective families. It was fun and relaxing, mostly, but I am extremely relieved to be back here on base.

I had a very erotic dream tonight, about Martouf and Lantash. This was one of the times were I was me, and not Jolinar in the dream. I think I must have cried out, fairly loudly, because dad gave me a dirty look the next day. I know he was in the room beside me, so with Selmak's hearing he probably heard me. I have a vague memory of moaning both Martouf's and Lantash's names... and maybe shouting 'yes!'.

Crap.

I am very glad I am back on the base!