The Soul Stones, PG-13, 7/8

[hathor_girl]

 

Next morning I wake up and take a bath in the Tok'ra pools, then goes to the mess hall. It is still only mid-morning, so I expect it will be awhile before Martouf and Lantash is ready for visits. They are both late sleepers on a good day, and if they're as exhausted as dad said, they need their sleep. 

I have just finished my breakfast when there is some commotion. I look up and see the rest of my team! When did they arrive? I didn't think they even knew I was here! 

I see dad try to calm the Colonel down, but he is not having much luck. I sigh and get up, depositing the tray on the way to my team mates. 

"Carter...so this is where they're hiding you! They haven't snaked you, have they?"

"No!" I look quizzically at Daniel, hoping for an explanation.

"General Hammond told us you'd gone here, as soon as we returned from our 'vacation'."

I realise how long I have been here, and that our stand-down must be almost over. I look to my dad. 

"I'll talk to George about giving you some more time off, Sammie." He smiles at me. 

"Oh, and what's all that about you being married to Marty? And isn't he dead?" O'Neill looks very annoyed at me. 

"That...is a long story...but he isn't dead. He'll be fine, actually. They both will." 

"I'm happy for them!" O'Neill says, clearly not happy. "What's with the marriage thing?"

"I...um...it's a long story...turns out I was kinda married to them the whole time and never knew! You know, as Jolinar's new host I automatically became their mate."

"That's insane!" O'Neill exclaims.

"Yeah - what if you don't want them?" Daniel raises his eyebrows. Teal'c merely stands back, listening. I guess he has seen more different cultures than O'Neill and even Daniel. 

I feel like telling Daniel that he isn't the one to talk about whether or not someone wants someone as their mate, seeing as Sha're was given to him on Abydos, and at least being blended with a Tok'ra would make me feel the same as the symbiote - eventually. I decide against saying it. 

"If I had stayed with Jolinar as is normally the case, I would have felt like her. If anything, the problem would have been what Martouf and Lantash felt, but apparently, usually a relationship continues."

O'Neill snorts. "And you just found out?"

"Yes. The Tok'ra - Martouf and Lantash - they wouldn't have said anything because of how short a time I was host and how I came to be host - but I still had the right according to Tok'ra law."​

"And what insanity made you decide to ask for it? Whatever went into your head!" O'Neill made a face. "Nothing, I hope. Perhaps we should have Doc Fraiser do an MRI on you when you go back with us. Like now!" 

"Can't you just accept what I did? I had my reasons!" 

"I told you I have feelings for you!" O'Neill suddenly bursts out.

"And I told you I didn't know what I felt! That I needed to figure out what I felt for Martouf and Lantash also! And I thought we weren't going to discuss it again. Why are we even talking about this!?"

"I have no idea - since you've obviously made up your mind!" 

I kinda feel sorry for him, but with the knowledge I have from the other timeline - the possible future - I know that he won't get his ass together to any kind of relationship with me for the next 7 years, at least. And besides, with Martouf and Lantash alive there is no doubt who it is I want. 

"Sorry, sir. You're right. I have made up my mind." He doesn't need to know that I had to make the decision quickly, in order to force the Council to let Lantash heal Martouf. It is still the right decision for me, I know that know. "I guess I should have told you."

My dad looks pretty shocked at all this. "How dare you even consider a relationship with my daughter when you know what it would do to her career?" He explodes. 

"Dad. It's alright. We weren't gonna do anything, and as I just said, I want Martouf and Lantash - if they want me...and could we perhaps go somewhere less public? Because with the number of Tok'ra listening in - however much they seem to pretend not to - the entire base will now it all soon." If they don't already. The Tok'ra rumour mill is worse even than the one at the SGC - and that's bad! 

"Major Carter...I would like to congratulate you on your marriage." Teal'c suddenly said. "My respects to both of you."

"Thanks, Teal'c." I smile at him. 

"Uh...it's all three of them, isn't it?" Daniel asks. "And yeah, congratulations, Sam. Sorry for just going off on this and not saying that." 

I smile, and look at O'Neill who suddenly looks a bit bashful. "Yeah, I guess." Then he smiles. "Will there be cake?"

My dad takes a deep breath and decides there is no reason to reopen anything. Or perhaps Selmak is being reasonable and forces him to be as well. "I already asked that - we never got any answer to that, did we Sam?"

I grin. "No...but I'll make sure you'll get a great cake." I sober. "I just need to talk to Martouf and Lantash first. I don't really know how they feel."

My team-mates look confused, which I guess is understandable. The Tok'ra way is very different. 

​

---

I have been told Martouf and Lantash are awake - and much stronger. I have picked up some food from the mess hall and are taking the tray to them. They haven't had anything to eat since before they were shot. I know they've been in stasis for some time, but they have been out of it for almost two days now, and they have spent much of the time healing. That's gotta take a lot of energy. 

"Hi, Martouf." I smile at him, a little nervously. He looks well, but still tired. He look up when he sees me and smile back - just as widely as he usually does. I feel my heart beat faster, and suddenly I know without any doubt that I love him completely, and that it is not because of Jolinar.

"Hello, Samantha." He sits up in the bed. 

I put the tray down on a the table beside the bed, and pick up the small bed-table. "I thought you might be hungry?"

"Ravenous. I thank you for thinking of it." 

"I'm just happy to be able to do this for you." I place the bed-table and put the tray on top of it. Martouf picks up a piece of bread and put some butter and jam on it, then munches on it, then turns to me. 

 "Lantash and I were hoping you would be here. Jacob talked very briefly to us yesterday and told us you were here." He eats some more of the bread. 

I blush. "Did he...uh...tell you anything more...than that I'm here, I mean?" 

He shakes his head and take a drink from the orange juice. "No. I was very tired, and I have not been told much. I also remembers very little of what has happened...why I was injured. Lantash remembers more. He tells me...that we had become zatarcs. That we tried shooting up the gateroom - and that I begged you to kill us."

"It's true, I'm afraid. You have no idea how grateful I am that you survived. That both of you survived."

Martouf looks very pleased to hear this, but something is obviously concerning him. 

"Samantha...I am very sorry for asking you to shoot me. I had no right to do this."

"I'm only sorry I had to do it. You were in pain, and you did not want to destroy yourself. You..." My voice breaks, and I almost sob. "You wanted to preserve your body to let the Tok'ra find out how the zatarc programming was done." 

He nods, and he is quiet for some time, eating more of the food. "Lantash said that whatever they had done, somehow also blocked him from taking control when the programming activated. He could not stop me. I have told him he should not feel guilty about it."

"Of course he should not! This was all the fault of the Goa'uld who did this to you!" I exclaim. 

"Yes, but it is still unpleasant to think of how I almost might have destroyed the alliance between our people. I very much believe it is the answer to the success against the Goa'uld." 

"The alliance is not in trouble." At least, I hope it won't be, now when it has one of its strongest proponents still alive. I am sure Martouf and Lantash will do their best to keep the cooperation between our people's functioning well. It will not go as it did in the other timeline. I am confident of this. 

He nods. "Will you be staying her on the base for a little while longer?" He looks hopeful. "I believe I am strong enough for a walk on the surface, and I would very much like to spend some time with you. We have had too little time to talk recently - and always only during dangerous times." He suddenly gets a pained expression. "Lantash is suddenly remembering a discussion we had with you a few days before the...incident. Anise thought you and Colonel O'Neill were zatarcs, and we came to talk to you - to tell you about...ah...that we wanted you to do everything possible to survive, as we...have become...very fond of you..." He looks down, shyly, as he says this. Then he looks up, a pained expression on his handsome face. "Lantash seems to think you...did not appreciate this..." 

So that is what concerns him! He thinks I rejected them...and to be honest, I guess it could be seen that way. I was confused then, unsure if I wanted Martouf and Lantash - or the Colonel. Or, in truth, I was afraid of loosing myself in the strong emotions I hold for Martouf and his fiery symbiote.

The Colonel seemed a safe excuse - it's not like I could ever be with him, because of the regulations - so I could hide behind those feelings. Avoid making a decision. Postpone it. Always afraid - whether it was of rejection, or of failing to achieve that perfect relationship I wanted...and had grown to want ever more since Jolinar, knowing how it was to love like that. For so long. How could I do anything but fail? When I had something like that to live up to? And when the man I wanted had already had perfection? Suddenly I have an attack of those old fears. 

It certainly does not help having had Jonas as my only 'real' experience with relationships. I met him during college. I had always been the sensible girl who spend all her time on studies and never went out and had fun - not like Mark, who was hanging out with friends. I was always alone, and never had anyone. 

Then I met Jonas. He was older - and strangely attractive. He also had a dominating personality, but at the time no alarm bells went off for that. I felt drawn to him like a moth to a flame, but if he felt anything for me, it was obsession and a desire to control. We were never intimate, and then I admired him for wanting to wait. Later, I suspected he had 'problems'. In any case, I left him when he started ordering me around and hit me. I hit him back, and I think the shock he got from that was what let me leave safely. 

The experience kept me out of any other relationships, and I again buried myself in work and studies. I convinced myself I didn't want or need anyone.

Then the thing with Jolinar happened. Suddenly I knew what love was. How it could be to love someone. And I wanted that. Wanted that so badly - but dared not hope I could have it. 

All of this went through my head as I sat here. What do I say to him? I need to alleviate his fears. I should tell him what I feel for him, but as I think this, the fear that he does not share my feelings pop up again. What if he really does just want to be a friend? 

But I know how Lantash - and so likely also Martouf - feels. 

How can I be this confused? It is not how I am! I am always sure of myself...just not in matters of the heart. Do I chicken out of my chance for love? I look at Martouf. He seems very nervous. 

I make a decision - to go slow - but at least to admit to something. I take his hands, squeezing them gently. 

"Martouf...I was confused...afraid because I thought I was a zatarc. I...uh...am also very fond of you. I cannot bear to think of loosing you. Either of you...and I would love to stay a little longer. Love to walk with you on the surface. There are some things...we need to discuss." 

​

---

My dad talked to General Hammond and I have been given a week off to stay here at the Tok'ra. I hope that will be enough time to tell Martouf how I feel. How will he react when he learns I have challenged the Council and demanded my right as his mate? How will he react that I didn't even tell him about? I could have done so as soon as he awoke. Should have, probably. Will he be angry? 

The healers threw me out and insisted Martouf and Lantash needed more rest. I have been back for a short visit, but otherwise I stay away. Mostly because I am a coward. 

I am told they will be strong enough to be discharged tomorrow, so by then I will have to confront him about my feelings. 

"Sam..."

I turn to see my dad. 

"Your team-mates are leaving - why don't you follow them to the 'gate?"

I nod. "Of course. I'm not a very good friend for them, am I?"

"You're just a bit pre-occupied." He bows his head. Selmak!

"Samantha...did you tell Martouf and Lantash you have asked to be considered their mate?"

Why did I know she was going to say this?!

"No...not yet. I...didn't want to...confuse them with that right now. They should rest first."

Selmak looks as if she disapproves, then sighs. "I shall attempt to make sure he does not hear of it from others first. You will tell him tomorrow!"

"I promise." I run off to see my friends to the Stargate. 

​

 chapter 8