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hathor_girl
July 2 1999
It started several days ago... the Stargate activated, and I heard it was the Tok'ra IDC. I ran to the gateroom, eager for news about my dad - and Martouf and Lantash. I know the others think it is only because I hope it is my dad, but it is not. I am drawn to the Tok'ra, due to Jolinar - though mostly I am drawn to Martouf and Lantash... partly due to Jolinar. I must admit I hoped it was Martouf/Lantash, but I was also happy to see my dad. And Selmak. I need to get used to Selmak being there...
Anyway, dad was bringing information about the System Lord Seth. The Tok'ra had done a tally of the System Lords, and found that one of those they had little info on was Seth - and they thought he was on Earth.
A side-note here, I guess, but it turns out the Tok'ra have 3D holograms - projected holograms, with no silver-halite coated plates, no photo-polymer film, no… well, to put it shortly, way way more advanced than we are, but I knew that!
And here is the odd thing, usually I am annoyed when dad or some other Tok'ra points out the Tok'ra are more advanced than us, but when no one points it out and I just notice it to be the truth? I feel... proud? I know how crazy that sounds, and I also realize it must be the part of me that is Jolinar that feels that... and it scares the Hell out of me! I mean, I have accepted that I have memories... and feelings... from Jolinar, but to accept that my whole personality has changed? That is hard!
I take a deep breath and look at what I have written. I consider tearing out the page, but this... writing a diary, this is something I do mostly for cathartic reasons, and it does help, so I decide to leave it in. I mean, no one is ever going to read this anyway, except for myself. I pick up my pen again and continue.
My dad told us that the Tok'ra though Seth was here on Earth, and Daniel set to work following the Goa'uld through time, from the last point when anyone had known where Seth was. It didn't take him long to figure out where Seth was possibly hiding - Daniel is always good with things like that.
We went to the compound of a cult leader, and met the father of one of the young men who had been brainwashed and made to join. It was decided that Daniel, the Colonel, and myself were to go undercover and pretend to be acolytes, since Seth would sense Teal'c's symbiote or Selmak.
Why no one thought about the fact that he would sense me too, is a mystery. I mean, I can sense symbiotes due to the naquadah in their and my blood - and I can sense other naquadah too. I haven't talked about dad about it, and I know that you have to be close to me to notice it, because while I have as much as a symbiote, it is also much more spread out, in my entire body, and so the signal is weaker. However, I also know Apophis sensed it... and so did Hathor. And I have talked to Martouf about it, and he can sense it at a few feet - at least. And he can sense it a lot when he touch me, like static electricity almost - and it is the same for me. It feels strange, but also... nice.
Anyway, my dad must have felt that when he hugged me, but maybe he thought that was only when it could be sensed?
Anyway, we were discovered, we got away - and Seth tried to escape. Selmak had brought a hand device and wanted to hit Seth with it, but was not fast enough, and Seth hit her and my dad first. I was so afraid for my dad - and so angry at Seth. Selmak told me she would take care of my dad, gave me the hand device, and told me to get Seth.
Somehow she knew I could use it, even if I have not been practicing.
I was furious with Seth, and when I saw him I funneled all my anger towards killing him with the hand device. I did not even think about whether or not I could activated it. I didn't think at all, I just reacted. I wanted to hurt Seth - not just for what he had done to my dad, and to Selmak - but for all he and his kind did to the innocent in the Galaxy.
I was Tok'ra when I killed Seth. I was... Jolinar. Partly, at least. And I wasn't sorry about it. Not in the least. I was relieved. Relieved that Seth could no longer harm anyone.
Then I saw my team mates's expressions. The Colonel was shocked, but he has seen enough death that he nodded, accepting it - even if he may have been a bit uncomfortable of how I had killed Seth. And with how much fury. However he accepts that you have to use what you can, to do what must be done.
Daniel... Daniel was horrified. Horrified that I had used a Goa'uld weapon - that I could use a Goa'uld weapon, horrified that I had killed Seth with such fury, horrified that I had not thought of the host, but most of all he was horrified at being reminded that I am not fully human anymore. That part of me is Tok'ra - who are biologically the same beings as the Goa'uld, even if he know they are different philosophically. The part of me that killed Seth with inhuman fury is the part that is like the one who has his wife, Sha're.
Even if Daniel doesn't blame me, and even if I know he wants the Tok'ra as friends, I also there is a part of him that will always be suspicious and uncomfortable about any symbiote.
Also, I will never forget the look of horror and revulsion I saw in his eyes when I turned to him. Never.
Daniel is my friend, and that makes it so much worse. You never want your friend to look at you with horror and revulsion.
I put down my pen and try to think of the positive things that happened afterwards. Selmak had convinced my dad that he should try and patch things up with Mark, and we actually went there. My dad was happy to see Mark, and to see his grandkids. I feel fairly sure that they are on the way to mending their relationship, and for that I am very grateful to Selmak.