Fic, Returns, PG-13, 2/?

[hathor_girl]

 

A/N: I'm going with the idea that I've seen others follow, that Jaffa can't sense symbiotes.

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2.

After Janet has checked us out (and not discovered Jolinar, since she wasn't looking for her - we didn't encounter any Jaffa or anything that activated the scan-on-return protocol), and sitting through a long and boring debriefing, we're finally allowed to go and relax for a while. The weirdness and grogginess from the healing has finally worn off, but Janet has insisted we get more time to relax and take it easy. We're given 3 days off, after this experience. The Colonel leaves pretty immediately, looking elated - something about a Simpson's marathon on TV. Daniel goes to bury himself in his lab - like I would normally do. Teal'c disappears somewhere too - perhaps to see his son.

Jolinar hasn't spoken to me at all, she seems to have withdrawn completely - partly because she is deeply sad, and partly because I get the feeling she is feeling bad for taking me as host the way she did, and for things happening the way they did. She wants to give me the space, but I need to talk to her. I am conflicted, though.

I thought I had worked through how I felt about her. I was certain I had forgiven her - that I understood her.

Then, suddenly, I'm her host again. She is back. Alive. It changes things. How I feel about her. It is suddenly important again.

I realise it may help me with the memory flashes and confusion. It might even have helped me with my uncertainty about my feelings about Martouf and Lantash - if only it hadn't been too late. Then again, it might also have made it even more confusing, and completely impossible to tell which feelings are mine and hers.

Maybe it wouldn't have mattered, then.

Unhappy, and feeling emotionally drained, I stand under the shower and turn the water on hot and hard, trying to let it cleanse me. Trying to forget - if only for a moment. I let it was over me, and for a little while I can forget about everything else.

Suddenly, Jolinar speaks to me.

~Samantha...I am sorry for all of this. Sorry for taking you as a host originally, for keeping you surpressed, for threating your friends - and more than anything for the pain caused by the ashrak. Believe me when I say that I would have left you, had things turned out differently.~

~I know, Jolinar. I'm not angry with you...not anymore.~ I know it is the truth when I say it.

~I thank you for not telling anyone about my presence. I assume you wish me to leave? Since you have met the Tok'ra, you should contact them, and when we get to them, we can ask them to find me a new host. They will be able to prove that I am who I say I am - though it would have been easier if...if Martouf and Lantash were alive and well.~

Her mental 'voice' broke when she mentioned her mates. I don't know what to say. She sounds so terribly sad. I try to think comforting feelings to her, hoping it works. Suddenly wishing I could throw my arms around her, hug her, comfort her.

"I am sorry." I simply tell her.

---

I have dried off, dressed, and are sitting alone in a corner of the mess hall, a tray with food in front of me, when Jolinar decides to speak again. I am glad my team-mates are not here right now.

~I have looked through more of your memories.~ Jolinar says. ~I know there is a good chance Lantash could heal himself and Martouf. If they are taken out of stasis and helped with a healing device...and perhaps some temporary life support.~

~Then you also know the Tok'ra aren't gonna let him try.~ I tell her, misearably moving my fork around in the unappetizing mashed potatoes with gravy that accompanies the equally unappetizing pork chop and green beans. I wish there had been something better today. I really need something to cheer me up. I take a drink from the water, then put the fork down.

~Ren'al and Theva are in charge of the zatarc-research, with Anise and Delek assisting. None of those are known for their compassion, nor are they friends of mine. I will not be able to convince them to not follow through on their plan. The goal has always been the important thing for them, no matter who gets hurt by it.~

~Why don't we suggest to the Tok'ra to use the alien device that healed me and my team - and even resurrected you! It should easily be able to heal Martouf and Lantash - and that would remove Ren'al and Delek and the other's excuse with danger to Lantash.~

~Do you think your people will agree to let the Tok'ra know?~ Jolinar said, hope in her voice. ~From what I see from your memories, you are not exactly fond of my people, even if you are allied with us.~

I am feeling a bit ashamed. She's right, I know. ~I will suggest it to General Hammond - it's probably best you're keeping hidden, for now.~

We agree, and after forcing down a little of the disgusting food, we go to my quarters and quickly fall asleep.